Sunday, 24 July 2011

Making A New Ending...

Did anyone ever say that life was easy?? I fear someone must have at some point. I would like to meet this person and have a word in their shell like!!! Although, in the words of Mummy Carole, life is as easy or as hard as you make it.

I have had a turbulent few years to say the least, and this is probably an understatement. Having clawed my way back from rock bottom i am now in a successful job, am an avid blogger and somewhat of a socialite about town. However, those moments come along in life when one can feel themselves headed back to that place i liken to, erm, hell!!! I think things in life are sent to try us and as much as this is one of those hatred cliches that patronising people like to come out with. (You know the types, the ones who refer to depression as "a new-age illness", whilst also doing those super annoying air quotation marks!) It is also very true. It all depends on your reaction, you either get knocked down and stay there or you pull yourself up and get stronger in the process.
I have always felt i've been searching for something, however if you asked me what for, i wouldnt have a clue! It took until last year for me to finally feel remotely happy with me and with who i was. Up 'til that point i didn't really understand what i was mean't to be or who i was mean't to be. Searching for myself has been one of the most difficult journeys i've ever been on, and to be fair it's a journey that never really ends.
Having recently experienced one of these 'down times', days for reflection have happened pretty much every day. Constant questions, what am i doing? Where am i going? Am i happy?
And the sad truth is...no! I'm not. Yes i love being the girl about town, i love my tactic of getting away from everything and blogging to my little hearts content. Not really realising that that little heart is somewhat dishevelled and in all honesty, broken! It appears to have been in this state for far too many years now and i have just neglected it. Silly old me.
And i have news for people who drown their sorrows with a bottle of wine, or maybe vodka, whatever your tipple. It ain't gonna make the pain go away neither is shopping or dancing 'til the wee hours. It actually makes it worse. But hey, this is obvious!
After alot of questions and possibly too much thinking time (as always!) i came to the inevitable conclusion that i quite frankly, need to start all over again. Who knows if its the right thing to do, but you aint't never gonna know if you don't try it right?? I need something of my own, not living life through other people or off the back of anyone else.
I don't think i will ever be truly independent, with a family the size of mine independence doesn't really exist. However, this is a positive thing, cos like that other annoying cliche 'Friends come and go, but Family is forever'.

So, after a fair few days of thinking and too many late nights (yes i am the culprit of drowning ones sorrows with what can only be descibed as poison!!!) decisions have been made. I shall soon be bidding farewell to my hometown of Leeds...


...Hello London, my old friend...




...'Tis true that i can't go back and start again but i can start from here to make a new ending!!!Xxx

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