Growing up we spend so much time trying to define who we are, where we belong. If a path is set out for us then where does ours begin?! Are there directions or is it obvious where we are to walk?! We look to others for inspiration. Trying to gain independence but as a result most end up dependant on another (normally a male for me!)We search for years trying to become the best version of ourselves, secretly envious of those who seem to effortlessly stumble into the stride of their own lives. We spend years trying to get away from what we often feel are constraints in our lives. Family. Sisters, mother, father, lovers. Anyone. Always feeling that there is something bigger and better out there - there just has to be!!! So why has everyone else found it but us??! The truth is that this thing in which we seek has always been there. We have just lost sight of it, lost control of life, got caught up in a whirlwind of parties, drinking, and being the life and soul of every social gathering, if not the instigator!!! Only after do you realise that notoriety isn't only overrated and exhausting but not remotely fulfilling!
I refuse to believe that anyone living their lives in this way is truly happy. A life fuelled by drink and filled with such superficiality can never bring true happiness. Never knowing why anyone wants to be in your life, never really trusting anyone as a result. Being the sad and lonely girl at 3am with nothing but drunken thoughts is never going to have a positive effect. And last of all the embarrassment a life like this can bring. Being ashamed of your own behaviour is mean't to make you stop surely??! However, when everyone around you is doing the same thing you become even more determined to tell yourself that this is the life you have longed for. You have to enjoy this life, you have to BE this life! Your shame sends you soaring into it, being the girl who everyone wants to know, the girl around town. This is not arrogance or sheer big-headedness talking, this unfortunately is life! And it was facing up to this that lead me to realise my own faults and what i wanted out of life and what was important to me. All those years spent never feeling like i thought i should feel, never being happy with the way i looked, always wanting more, always changing me to appeal to others. How ironic that most women suffer low self-esteem due to men, yet we constantly seek their approval, 'If i have long hair will he love me more?!...if i am a size 00 will he find me more attractive??'
For the first time in my whole 28 years i have curves and i have never felt more confident. I have a waist, i have hips and a stomach that doesn't cave in. For the first time since being 14 i eat and enjoy food without having to work out how long i will have to starve myself for as a result. Feeling grounded and in control for a woman is a truly empowering moment. Physically feeling like a woman and not a little girl is in fact life-changing.
For the past five months i have been on one of the hardest journeys i imagine i will ever travel. Going in search of yourself is never going to be easy, the tears and the pain you encounter along the way is tough but more than worthwhile. I found a strong, powerful woman at the end of mine, far more attractive than the little girl who was standing on the precipice of the unknown so long ago...
...London, you have been more than kind!